The Pardoners were made famous by Chaucer. They literally sold forgiveness to the desperate: the more you paid, the more you could be forgiven. Relic sellers also made the most of the gullible. There was money to be made from Christ’s toe nail and St Agatha’s thigh. This song is the commercial battle between the two.
lyrics
P: This is the pardoner’s tale, humbly offered up for you (R: Hugh?)
So tireless in my work, I do what even God can’t do
For God he rages daily and hates the human kind
While I seek out the troubled soul and try to ease their mind
The Pardoner brings pardon, you’ll find us very nice
I offer sweet forgiveness - but only at a price
I scribble on my vellum and you walk free as air!
Freed also of your money, in which I humbly share
R: Welcome to Rick’s relics stall and thank God I’m here
This Norwich boy as welcome as duck-fat, bread and beer
The trouble with the faith thing - and no offence is meant
You can neither see nor touch it - which is why I’m heaven sent
St Agatha’s thigh, St Agatha’s thigh!
Oh me oh my, St Agatha’s thigh!
It’s for those who sigh, St Agatha’s thigh
You’ll want a relic, matey, a relic you can feel
Jacob’s sweaty jock-strap, St Peter’s holy heel
A thorn from Christ’s cruel crown – but no need to feel a P: Rick!..
Begone with you, and take your tat, or feel my whipping R: Stick -
It where the sun don’t shine, indulgences don’t work!
Trust the thigh of blessed Agatha, don’t listen to that P: Jerk -
The sin from your conscience, heave it up into the light
Your guilt is like a ghastly snake – R: The pardoner’s full of P: Shite –
Out loud how good you feel! How the pardoner’s your best bloke
How the relic seller’s breath kills dogs; his prices make you choke
R: St Agatha’s thigh, St Agatha’s thigh!
Oh me oh my, St Agatha’s thigh!
It’s for those who sigh, St Agatha’s P: Thy -
(Feigning humble prayer)
Way is not easy, Lord, we’re screwed at every turn
Without my kind indulgences, I so fear they’ll all burn
But the Lord and I forgive! We ease the common pain
And once your coins are in my bag, you can begin R: A gain -
Not loss but gain, my friend, with a relic you can feel
P: This is the pardoner’s tale, offered up for you
R: Some wood from Jesus’ manger, and honest-to-God it’s real
P: It’s really work that even God can’t do
R: And wrapped in a cloth which you could carry on a stick
P: You make me sick you’re such …….
(pause)
R: A thorn from Christ’s cruel crown – but no need to feel a
(Shouted by both, turning to each other) Prick!..
credits
from All Shall Be Well - The Musical,
released March 11, 2021
Vocals: Martin Hoile
Instruments: Sam Hoile (drums) Martin Hoile (all other sounds)
Composition / Arrangement / Production: Martin Hoile
Lyrics / Storyline: Simon Parke
Martin and Simon have worked together for over forty years but 'All Shall Be Well' is their first musical. So, ancient roots
of collaboration but fresh growth now in the remarkable story of Julian of Norwich, turned into fourteen wonderful songs of hope’s triumph over despair. A woman for our time!...more
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